I Was a Prisoner of Myself

How?

  I barely made it through High School.  Among other things, I had been lazy about studying and used to inventing excuses.  I avoided drugs and heavy alcohol because I knew they could become addicting, but I went along with others using them so that I could be “cool”.  I was used to just acting cool and “squeaking by” unless it was a class I was actually interested in.

  That didn’t work in college.  My bad study habits, along with lower “aptitude”, was a recipe for very poor grades.  And college was expensive!  Also, some of what I was being taught didn’t seem correct or applicable to the profession I wanted.

  So, I decided to switch to vocational school instead, and learn a trade.  I determined to study hard this time.  And my new attitude began paying off.

  During summer break between the two years of the course, I took an entry-level temp job in my trade.  I wanted to be responsible and wean myself away from being dependent on Mom and Dad.  I was excited to start that summer job soon, to begin putting my training to work.  I wanted everyone to be proud of me.

  I had a car, an old Rambler, but no place to stay because the job was out of town in the big city.  So, some neighbors that lived by my folks summers offered to let me stay with them in their city place until I got an apartment.  They had three boys, friends of mine.

  After what seemed like a lot of searching, I finally found an apartment that was affordable because it was only available to use for the summer.  It was actually a nurse’s apartment in the basement of a nursing home that I could rent until the nurse arrived end of summer.  At least I finally had my own place.

  Soon, two of the boys came by to help me celebrate my new digs.  I’ve had a beer or two before in my life.  But they brought homemade wine.  I had an instant craving to enjoy a lot of it.  A lot of time, and drinks, must have gone by.  Maybe one of the boys and I started getting out of hand, I think.  Because one boy, the one who drove them to my place, left with their car.  The other boy and I celebrated at my apartment a little more.  But then the other boy had no way home.

  Obligated, I began driving him home.  I didn’t know where I was going.  The city was mostly new to me.  And I couldn’t stop swerving back and forth across the lane no matter how I tried.  I must have been unable to follow the boy’s directions, because he finally pressured me to let him out under an overpass.  He said he’d walk.

  Then I was lost, confused, and hardly able to keep the car on the road.  I decided to park in a safe place and sleep it off in the car.  I woke up to noises around me.  I was not in a safe place but on the road!  There was a car in front of mine, and a car behind mine!  They were blocking me!  I panicked!  I decided to start driving my car and see if one of those cars would move!  One squealed out and away, and I drove away.

  But the police caught up with me and pulled me over.  I blamed the boys who brought the wine, claiming I only drank one little coffee cup and that “It must have been really strong!”  What a lie!  I begged them not to tell my mom, claiming that it would hurt her, because she knew I was just starting out.  But I tried to cooperate with their commands.

  They must have taken pity on me but ended up locking me up.  I only remember waking up the next morning and them letting me go.  Again, I was confused about where I was and how to get back to my apartment.  But I did make it back.

  I could have killed my friend!  I could have killed another driver!  I could have killed myself!  I could have ended my career before it started!  Maybe God did me a favor I didn’t deserve that night.  Things could have ended far worse!  So, it sobered me up and made me more careful not to get buzzed or addicted.  It’s been fifty years, and I still think of that “celebration”!

I’m not proud of it, but you should know I’d done some other very bad, and some other very stupid things in my life.  These are awful things I am now ashamed of that I won’t even talk about just now.  Just so you know, my bad deeds made me a prisoner of my own self.  I wanted to do right and good, but I seemed to usually end up screwing up somehow.  My body wasn’t behind bars anymore, but my heart, mind, and spirit were.  I knew I deserved judgment and punishment.

I thought of all those who had tried to point me in the right direction.  Some gave me good advice.  Some took me to church.  Some had even paid my way to summer Bible camp as a kid.  That old Rambler was a gift from my poor Dad and poor Grandpa.  So I started reading some more out of that Bible they sold to me for only a dollar at Bible camp.  It made me feel more and more evil and convicted.  But it also reminded me of the love of God and some of His workings.

That made me begin honestly praying and confessing all my evil to God in genuine sorrow and repentance.  I knew I didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness.  I knew I was in deeper trouble than what I could get into with the police.  My eternal soul was deserving of God’s punishment!  It was just a matter of time.  Was there no way out?

Ever had an “Aha!” moment, when suddenly something made sense?  It must have been God who helped me put what I’d learned in the Bible, at church, and in camp together.  I opened up with God and told God I didn’t deserve to be forgiven.  Then I remembered that God’s Son, Jesus, had taken the death penalty on the cross to pay for my evil.  I asked God to forgive me because of Jesus.  I was totally honest with God.  I told Him I didn’t even know if I could be good.

You’d think that would make God mad.  Instead, I felt the forgiveness of God flood my heart, mind, and soul!  I started crying in gratitude and thanking God for His mercy.  It was nothing that I had done.  It was all God and Jesus.  I had peace.  I was right with God!  My evils were forgiven by God!  I could move on.  God and Jesus were in my heart, and I wanted on my own to be good.  It wasn’t just about obeying the law.

Later I learned that the sacrifice Jesus made of Himself is an eternal sacrifice.  It lasts forever.  So, even though I try to be good, but still mess up on occasion, I can repent of that new evil too and be forgiven.  I can live free!  I am no longer a prisoner!  I can get up and try to be good again!

Whether or not you are or were a prisoner behind bars, you can be freed from yourself too!  Your heart, soul, and mind can be forgiven and set free because of Jesus!  Please don’t be a prisoner of yourself.  You have a purpose from God for being on this earth.  Why not repent, be forgiven through Jesus, let go of hurts, and start finding out what God’s purpose for you is?

  If a prisoner, please try to end the vicious cycle that keeps prisoners going back to prison.  Dare to find new friends and better ways to survive that are healthy and honest, even if you start out poor.  Please walk away from addicting or evil things that keep you from your purpose.  God loves you too much to see you keep making the same mistakes, doing the same evil, and ending up a prisoner again and again.  He even gave His Son to you to pay your souls’ death penalty.

  Are you getting an “Aha!” moment?  Make good use of it.  Confess your sins and get right with God through Jesus!  It’s by Jesus!  Just try to be good and repent when you should.  Get free!  And, May God Bless You!